By Matthew Sims
On 4 July, 2023, my life changed forever with the arrival of my daughter Ellie.
My most important identities were no longer ’journalist’ or ’husband’ or ’son’.
I was only one thing from that point forward – a FATHER.
My path towards realising this fact was not instant nor direct.
Like many fathers, my first few days, weeks and months of fatherhood were filled with confusion, frustration and even depression.
The relationship I had based the past few years of my life on was shifted in an instant and a whole new being needed my help and love – more help and love than anything I had ever been able to give before.
Last year, there were 300,000 new dads, and sadly, one in four will have faced perinatal depression and anxiety in the first year of their child’s life, or 205 dads a day, often exhibiting a short temper, low energy and high anxiety levels.
Having experience with anxiety and depression stretching back to my high school days, I knew what the feelings were.
However, while I was often anxious about irrational fears or situations which would never end up happening; I was faced with a real living and breathing thing which I was partially responsible for, with my actions playing a real part in how their life would go.
The fear I had in stuffing up or doing things wrong, even the small things like changing her nappy or swaddling her to sleep, manifested in being unable to connect with my daughter.
I felt horrible, I plunged deeper into chores and my work, deeper into my own thoughts and deeper into depression.
I felt alone, like I was looking inside a snow globe at a happy family which I wasn’t able to join.
Mothers change so much during pregnancy to help the baby develop and then give birth.
However, no matter how many books you read or how much you imagine being a father, nothing can prepare you for the massive transformation your external life changes and your internal understanding of who you are changes.
Mothers’ hormones kick in to keep the baby alive, whether it is to produce milk or simply to nurse them.
I know I felt like I had slept through the starting gun in a race and my daughter and wife were way ahead and I had no way of catching up.
Support came from a number of places, but ultimately the main support comes in the act of learning to be a father.
Many say that children don’t come with instructions.
While that is true, they essentially come with an emotional blueprint – little ways to connect with them, bit by bit, little by little, rhythms and melodies you play to each other until you are playing the same song.
When they arrive into the world, it is easy to treat them as if they are something which could shatter into a million pieces if you hold them the wrong way, but within a couple of weeks, they are already incredibly strong, both physically and emotionally.
They have an inbuilt way of reading your emotions and responding.
I thought I was failing when I held my daughter and she started crying.
I didn’t know that she was just upset that I was lost in my own head, not able to connect with her now, in the present.
Support came in the form of love from my wife, her family, my family and friends.
The proverb ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ still rings true.
While I felt alone in terms of how to seek support, I realised that everyone’s focus was simply on helping Ellie.
If I shifted my focus to Ellie, I could also reconnect to others.
Beyond that, I have just started to open my world further, seeking the help of father support groups, my local Dads Group in Vermont chief among them.
Half of the battle of fatherhood is knowing that other people are or have gone through the same sort of experiences, and even seeing that there is worse things to come!
Perspective is a hell of a thing.
Hundreds of dads across the country will be turning out this Father’s Day for Man with a Pram to raise awareness about the struggles of new dads and young families and raise funds for new hospital programs to target dads at the beginning of their fatherhood journeys, support ongoing Dads Group programs and other community programs.
Coming up to my second Father’s Day, my daughter is already teaching me so much about how to love and how to feel more present in the moment each and every day.
On this Father’s Day, make sure you talk to a father in your life, even if it is not your own and ask them about how they are going.
We are constantly playing out our own battles in our head, but the most important journey we are all going on is to love each other better, be better fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, colleagues or people.
But we can’t do that alone.
If you are experiencing any issues with postnatal depression, contact the Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia national helpline from Monday to Saturday on 1300 726 306 or visit panda.org.au/get-support/support-dads.
Other resources are available via supportforfathers.com.au or gidgetfoundation.org.au/support/support-for-dad
To join or support a Man with a Pram event, visit www.manwithapram.com
